Today has been a day of just that….mixed emotions. Not necessarily in a bad way thought I think. I was up til the early hours trying to finish an essay, which I had been doing for hours and hours. I wasn’t getting anywhere to be honest, but I persisted and by the time I went to bed last night, I had my essay done (apart from some editing). It may sound like a tiny thing to most people, but it took me so long and left like such a chore. Just being able to sit down and focus and concentrate enough to write a sentence or two takes so much effort and hard drive. It probably sounds like I am exaggerating but that’s what it feels like when I’m going through it. Concentrating and focusing is so hard. But I did it and I got there on the end….thankfully.
Currently I am only doing a single online module which will count towards a degree at the end of the day. I did go through university the traditional way, but that was when I went through my first breakdown and that’s where everything started to go wrong with my life, so it has some very hard memories attached to it to be honest. Studying this way is probably frowned on by many, but it works so well for me. I can study when it suits me, and I can work around when I feel extra low and compensate at times when I am feeling better. It allows me to study without being anxious about being around people I may not necessarily be comfortable around. It allows me to study in the comfort of my own home and at my pace.
The feeling of accomplishment at completing most of my coursework today led me to consider starting another module alongside the one that I am currently study. I realise that I do find it very hard to study at times, but I do enjoy what I am studying and it interests me. Starting another module will allow me to keep myself busy studying for both of these modules, along with working part time. I may even be able to get myself into some sort of routine, which has been missing from my life for years. Routine will do me good I think. I really miss it to be honest. Another module is going to be hard work, but I know if I start it, I will give it my very best….what more can I do?
All this somewhat positivity has, of course, been evened out by negative thoughts. Maybe not thoughts as such, but just lows. As much as I try to stay positive and make myself positive, it’s not something that’s going to happen overnight. And the lows are still as horrible and lonely as ever. The loneliness that comes with these lows really annoys me. Because I know I have SO many people around me, but I can’t help feeling it. The kind of loneliness where I just want to crawl into bed and not get up for hours. Not going to lie….I gave into this urge to crawl into bed this afternoon and stayed in bed for like three hours. Had to finally drag myself up so that I could finish my coursework. It’s not like it’s laziness, as much as it can feel like it as times. It’s just a feeling of loneliness and being low that’s so overpowering at the time that you have no energy to do anything else. Luckily, with my new more positive outlook that I’m trying, these lows are getting less frequent. Hopefully with keeping myself busier and maybe getting myself into some sort of a routine, these lows may stop being a part of my daily life and may get more infrequent. A girl can wish hey?