My mum and my relationship is bumpy to say the very least. We have never been close, and we argue like anything.
We used to argue pretty much on a daily basis when I moved back home in 2010. I had lived out for a couple years while at university and was used to having freedom, and coming back to live under my parents control was not much fun. We always go through phases of arguing a lot and arguing a little less.
I’m the kind of person who doesn’t let go of something once it’s been said. I won’t say it out loud, but I will never forget it. This is something that happens a lot with my mum, especially since she has said some very hurtful things to me. The list of hurtful things could go on forever.
A few that I remember the most include, on the day of my 21st birthday party, getting into a huge argument with her and her saying that I always make her so angry and annoyed like no one else can, and that she never wants to speak to me again. I’m a very sensitive person, and so when she said this, I was distraught. I was crying my eyes out and begging for her not to say it, but she was stubborn and never took it back. Obviously, we started talking again a few days, but it’s just been an argument that I’ve ever let go off, and I don’t think I ever will.
One of the big things in my mind is the fact that I am such a disappointment to my mum. I hate being a disappointment, I think it’s the worst feeling you can feel. I’m not the skinny homey daughter that my mother wants. In her eyes, I’m meant to be stick thin and spend every day at home, cooking and cleaning. I think it’s just the way she’s been brought up, as she was born n Asia, and has not really completely adapted to the western way of life. That couldn’t really be further away from what I am. My mum reminds me frequently that I’m too fat to ever get married. Nothing I ever do is good enough for my mum, and all I will ever be to her is just a fat disappointment.
The arguments with my mum really REALLY get to me. As frequent as they are, all of them affect me so much. If I was to be honest, after our bigger arguments, I’m always in such a bad place that I do self harm. I just hope today I can be strong enough not to.