How I used to cope

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This is how I used to cope. But now I have been 80 days without cutting or self harming in any way.

Not going to lie, it’s been very tough going. I would almost go as far as saying that I was addicted to self harm. I’d learnt the ways, I’d learnt how to do it in ways that scarred the least possible and in places I knew people wouldn’t see. And I’d even go as far as to say that I miss it. I know that that’s messed up and not right, but I was so used to it. I was used to the way that it gave me a release. It was something I had control over. Something I could do to make myself feel better for those few seconds.

I remember those days and nights where I would have the urge to cut. I would try talking myself out of it, but there was one side of me that used to know deep down that I would end up doing it. I remember how one night I tried so hard not to cut. I forced myself to get an early night and was sure that I could sleep and forget all about it. But that wasn’t what happened. I lay awake in bed for hours trying to sleep, but my mind kept coming back to the need to cut. I needed that release of feelings and that control that I only got from self harm. It even got to the point that I started shaking a little as I was trying to stop myself. I’m not sure if I was just frustrated at myself for not being able to ignore this urge or what exactly. In the end I did get up to cut, but it was one of the last times I self harmed.

I still get urges to self harm, especially when I get in arguments or feel stressed, but thankfully haven’t done it again. I wonder if this means, after five or six years of irregularly self harming, I have finally turned my back on that chapter. Honestly? I will probably say no. I can see myself doing it again. Not regularly, but if I felt bad enough, I will probably self harm again….

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